


This Will Be Our Year

by nucodiangelo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marauders - Fandom, Marauders-era - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Multi, Person of Color James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-01-13 08:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nucodiangelo/pseuds/nucodiangelo
Summary: Four years; Four boys. In the wake of a war secrets come out, friendships are formed and memories are made.





	1. september 1975 - the gryffindor piss-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think he would fling himself from Gryffindor tower.” He said finally, never surer of anything in his life. “You know how he is, always the fan of drama. I think he gets it from Sirius, or maybe Sirius gets it from James. Or maybe they’ve ruined each other, equally.”

Never in Remus’ life had he been dreading going back to the common room this much. He had stayed in the library for as long as he could before anyone would come searching for him, but half an hour after he had finished his last bit of homework, he had no choice but to accept his fate and get going back to the common room. The librarian Pince was standing over him as he packed up his parchment and books, not taking her eyes of off him. She had walked past where he’d been sitting about ten times in the past half-an-hour, reminding him again and again that the library would be closing soon, and had now seemed to have lost her patience.

“I’m-…” Remus started, but her hawk like eyes bore into him with a cold glare and he couldn’t find the words, just grabbed his bag and hurried off before she physically threw him out.

Walking down the hall towards the stairs, he considered breaking something, anything, so that Filch would give him detention and he’d have an excuse to give James, Sirius and Peter, for why he didn’t show up tonight. It was the night of the first Gryffindor piss-up of the new school year, and he had promised his friends that this time, this party, he would actually participate. It wasn’t as if he was been peer-pressured into agreeing to do this. Nothing he ever did for his infuriating friends was ever against his own will (because Remus would do absolutely anything if Sirius Black just asked nice enough). Once, Sirius had woken him up way past midnight to ask him to join him in the kitchens, but Remus had been so tired and had refused in an angry muffle. Then Sirius had asked again with a quiver to his lip and looked at him with those big brown eyes, and before Remus knew it, he was climbing out of the portrait hole under James’ invincibility cloak.  It was beyond pathetic how weak Remus was for his friends, but nothing could compare to how weak he was for Sirius.

Remus couldn’t even begin to understand why his friends wanted him to drink with them so terribly. Whenever _they_ drank they got loud and messy and sometimes annoyingly emotional and philosophical. In Remus’ experience, all Gryffindor’s got like that after a few drinks. So normally he would hide in his dormitory with a book until everyone came up to bed: and he’d have to make sure James didn’t fall asleep with all his clothes on, and Peter didn’t vomit on himself, and that Sirius went to lay in his own bed, and not Remus’.

They had all cornered him a few days earlier, after charms, and James had said something about the party and Peter had muttered about firewhisky, and Remus had said, with a hint of fond annoyance, “I’ll be there to mop up your sick then.”

_(“Ah, you see.” Said Sirius, with a great twinkle in his eye and a strange smirk on his lips, “This time you’ll be mopping up your own vomit, Remus.”_

_Remus had felt his eyebrows raise questioningly, “And why would I be doing that?”_

_And James had looked excited but maybe a little guilty, “Well I got my hand on this new type of firewhisky, from Europe, and well, would really like to share it with my best friends as it was… Er, hard to get my hand on… And rather xpensive and stuff.” He didn’t even bother trying to sound convincing, just kept glancing at Sirius with a grin on his face._

_Remus felt his own face twist into something exasperated, “I don’t think I understand.”_

_Sirius took a step closer to Remus, hand running through his hair as he regarded Remus with  wide, hopeful, eyes, “Oh, Remus, won’t you drink with us please?”_

_And of course, Remus had agreed without a second thought.)_

The fat lady smiled maternally at him from her frame when he came to a halt in front of her, and although anxiety was bubbling up his throat, his mind eased a bit at the sight of her. Throughout the years of sneaking out in the middle of the night with his friends, and being escorted back to the common room at the crack of dawn after a full moon, he had the suspicion she’d grown a little extra fond of him.

“Alright there, Lupin?” She asked, a hint of amusement in her shrill voice.

Remus smiled despite his dread and gave her a nod, “How bad is it in there?” He asked after a few seconds of just standing there, frozen in place, still debating turning back to hide under a desk in the library.

She eyed him with intent, “I think they’re having an impromptu exploding snaps tournament.”

As if waiting for a que, something exploded from the other side of the portrait, and the fat lady smiled contently.

Remus grimaced, “Well then… Nipplewort.”

With a last fond look at him, she swung the portrait open.

The warmth of the roaring fire wafted over him as soon as he had crawled through the entrance, and a warm and comforting light was covering the heads of about twenty Gryffindor students. Some were lounging on armchairs and sofas, laughing and chatting, drinks in hand, but most of them where standing around the worn down coffee table in front of the fire, cheering on someone who were barely visible in the middle of the heap of people. Remus scanned the crowd, until his eyes found a bloke with dark tanned skin, thick-rimmed glasses and black unruly hair. Next to him, a shorter and bit stubby, blonde boy was biting his nails as he stared excitingly at the two players squatting by the table in the middle of the cheering group. Remus rolled his eyes as he noticed that one of the players had broad shoulders, curly, shoulder-length, hair and shining grey eyes. James spotted Remus before he had the chance to try to sneak up to his dormitory.

“Remus!” James shouted with the attitude of someone who was on the brink of tipsiness. He was waving him over excitingly, and Peter glanced up from next to him to give Remus a happy grin, before he turned his gaze back to the game. The cards exploded suddenly, making Remus jump in surprise and the crowd roar with cheers.

Sirius jumped to his feet, eyes bright and face in a smile that screamed of mischief, “Pay up, Shacklebolt!”

James patted him on the shoulder and muttered something into his ear that Remus couldn’t hear from his position, still standing frozen by the entrance. Sirius’ eyes met his and he knew there was no way he would be able to sneak away.

They all stumbled over to where Remus stood, after Kinglsey Shacklebolt had handed Sirius a few galleons with an off-hand comment about Sirius being the last person whom needed the money.

“Remus! The homework didn’t eat you.” Sirius grinned, cheeks flushed and eyes bright with intoxication. “I told you.” He pointed an accusing finger at James, whom rolled his eyes but grinned none the less.

“Don’t blame me for worrying, he took hours. We finished our potions homework two hours ago!” James said, waving his hand dismissively at Sirius, then slung it around Peter’s shoulders. The shorter boy staggered with the sudden weight, but caught himself and smiled warmly.

“And in such a short amount of time you managed to get pissed.” Remus muttered, walking over to a table to put down his books and parchment.

The three boys followed him.

“We are not pissed.” James said, a bit too loudly, “We are merely drunk on life and friendship!”

“Oh, shut up, Potter.” Someone yelled from the other side of the room.

James didn’t turn to see who it was, just flipped the person the bird over his shoulder and continued to grin at Remus.

Remus felt like he was about to be recruited for a cult, the way they were all cornering him with creepy, sly grins on their faces.

“Yup.” Sirius agreed, “Drunk on brotherhood, and the love in the air.” He looked a little lost then, as if not even he understood what he was on about.

Remus didn’t know what to say to that, so he merely muttered, “Ok, then.”

Peter pointed to an available corner of chairs, and they all went over to sit down. James took residence in a worn down maroon arm chair, sinking down and huffing slightly, while Peter sat down on the stool next to it. Sirius dragged Remus to sit next to him in a brown leather loveseat. They were all still grinning at him expectantly.

“You all look like you’re about to do something very horrible to me.” Remus gulped, rubbing his sweaty palms against his thighs. The common room was warm and stuffy, and Remus could see it in the redness of cheeks and lack of clothes on his fellow Gryffindors. His friends had all undressed from their robes; James and Peter in undershirts, while Sirius had his button up rolled up to the elbows and unbuttoned to expose a pale chest.

“We have something exciting to report.” James said, cheeks flushing up even more, reddening his already reddish complexion.

Remus nodded for him to continue, nerves bubbling in his stomach. Maybe he was about to say that Remus was to be excused for the night and could run along with his books so that they could have some proper fun again.

“It’s quite remarkable.” Sirius confirmed, leaning back in the sofa with his arms over the headrest, behind Remus’ head, and if Sirius noticed that he was absent-mindedly twirling one of Remus’ strands around his finger, he didn’t let on.

“Most unusual.” Peter said, nodding his head and grinning at James.

“Oh, bloody hell.” Remus said, sounding exhausted, “Will you just come out with it?”

James grinned even wider, as if Remus’ annoyance was most pleasing, “Well, we had just finished our homework as some of the seventh years were starting to get out the drinks, when Lily walked in.” He paused to look at Remus, as if expecting him to gasp at the fact that Lily had entered her own common room. “She asked something of that Katie Markell, and then looked disappointed. And then, she turned to _us_ , and walked over!” Again, he looked at Remus for a sign of shock, or something. Remus stared blankly back at him.

“Obviously I was expecting her to tell us to move or ask us if we’d seen something of hers, but she stopped right in front of me and asked if I by any chance had any schnapps for tonight.”

Sirius leaned forward so quickly he slapped the back of Remus’ head as he retreated his hand. Remus scowled at him, but Sirius didn’t notice, “I thought I was seeing things for a second. You know, since Lily hasn’t directly spoken to, or even looked at, James since the whole Snape ordeal.” His nose scrunched up at the name, “But there she stood, fiery and sassy as ever. Bloody adore that girl.” He said dramatically, “Anyone with the power to ruin James’ day as quickly as she had my uttermost respect and adoration.”

James rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Remus, who was just about to open his mouth to ask if that was it. It really wouldn’t shock him if that was the end to James’ story, if all this excitement was over a simple conversation. James had freaked out over less in the past.

“And then, I said, _maybe, depends on what I get in return_ , and she said, _how about I don’t punch you in the throat_ , and I said, _tempting offer, but how about you and your friends get all the Schnapps your little heart’s desire, but you have to drink it with me and my friends_.” James said, his voice going high-pitched as he imitated Evans. His cheeks were still bright and splotchy with heat.

“And did she give into this horrible bargain?” Remus asked, gaze drifting around the room trying to spot red hair. Two of Lily’s roomates, Alice Fortescue and Dorcas Meadowes, were over by the fireplace, watching Frank Longbottom and Kingsley play exploding snaps, but Lily was nowhere to be seen.

“At first she just snorted and told me I could keep dreaming, and as I was saying something about _that’s exactly what I dream about at night, Evans, think a little higher of yourself why don’t you_ , her friend Mary Macdonald, you know the one with the brilliant eyebrows, yelled across the room, _anything to be able to get pissed without having to drink firewhiskey,_ and Lily accepted my proposition.” James finished, looked bewildered, as if reliving the experience.

“James spluttered like a fish afterwards, couldn’t believe his luck. And Evans laughed and said, _you look like a flobberworm, Potter, close your mouth,_ and then walked away. Amazing woman, truly marvellous.” Sirius said, dreamily, as if it was he who was madly in love with Lily Evans.

James seemed so lost in the memory he forgot to look jealous at Sirius’ words. Peter sniggered slightly.

Remus finally had enough, “Well, that was an unpleasantly dragged out way to tell such a short story.” He said, pretending he couldn’t see Sirius’ smirk in his peripheral vision. “Where is she then? Have you scared her off already?”

James leaned back in the chair again, smiling a lovely, handsome, smile. “Macdonald and her were given the job of getting some food from the kitchens and bring it to the common room. They left right before you came in.”

Just as Remus was about to reply, the sound of the portrait hole opening caught his attention, and Lily and Mary crawled inside, bowls clutched carefully in their hands. The common room erupted in cheers, as people crowded around the girls to retrieve the food. When everyone eventually found their way back to their seats, Lily brushed her hands against her robes and looked around, dread clear on her face. Remus felt a pleasant smile fall upon his face. It was always rather enjoyable watching Lily break down James, because friendship and brotherhood aside, James most definitely deserved it.

She finally spotted them, whispered something to Mary, and together they walked over to their corner of the room. Mary, who was a short, narrow shouldered girl, with impressive eyebrows and wide eyes, decided to sit down next to Peter, whom immediately blushed violently, as if he had never been close to a girl in his life. Remus, who didn’t really share the adoration for girls with his friends, could still appreciate that Mary was a beautiful girl. When she started undressing her robes, seeming to notice the heat, Peter looked like he was going to faint, although she was wearing a perfectly respectable sweater underneath. Lily had stopped a feet away from James’ chair, close to where Remus was sitting, and looked like she was debating where to place herself.

“Evans. Macdonald.” Sirius nodded at the girls respectably, then stood up, “Off to get the drinks, then.” He said, stumbling slightly as he jumped over Mary and Peter’s legs, grinning at them over his shoulder. Remus felt Lily’s dread mirrored on his own face.

He scooted slightly to the right in the loveseat to make room for her, and she murmured her thanks as she slid in next to him. James’ eyes narrowed slightly, anyone whom didn’t know him as well as Remus did wouldn’t notice it, but grinned widely nonetheless.

“So…” Lily sighed, rubbing her palms nervously on her thighs, just as Remus had done a few minutes earlier. “It’s quite hot in here, isn’t it?” Her upper lip was sweating slightly.

James seemed almost out of it with amusement as he opened his mouth, likely to make a flirty comment, but Lily snapped, “Shut up, Potter.” A smile lingering on her lips as she said it.

Mary asked Peter something across from Remus, and Peter stuttered an answer. Mary seemed to enjoy how nervous she made him, a sly, confident, sort of smile dancing on her lips, eyes twinkling with excitement. Lily must have noticed too, because she leaned closer to Remus and whispered, “You better keep your eyes on that one.” She pointed at Peter, “She bites.” Remus smiled kindly at her, pretending he couldn’t see James’ eyes on them.

Sirius returned shortly after, bottles clinking in his arms, mouth stretched wide across his face as he released them onto the table with a great deal of noise. Two large bottles of something that looked oddly like tree sap, and a bottle of something violently green.

Remus cleared his throat amongst the talk that had erupted throughout his friends, and they all looked expectantly at him, “Are we all to drink of the same bottle, or?” He asked, feeling stupid and nervous.

Sirius, who had made his way over to the sofa again and squeezed in between Lily and Remus without any remorse, laughed, “Don’t worry Remus, you can get a bottle all to yourself if it’s germs you’re scared of.”

Remus narrowed his eyes at him, feeling annoyed, “I’m good thanks.” He said dully, but Sirius didn’t seem to mind the attitude. He grabbed one of the bottles of Firewhisky, as Lily and Mary opened the green liquor bottle and each took a considerable swig of it. Sirius popped the firewhisky open and held it out to Remus, who reluctantly took it.

It wasn’t as if he had never tasted alcohol before. His father had let him have some last Christmas, after his mother and grandparents had gone off to bed, and it had burned his throat worse than any medicine he had ever taken. It wasn’t as if Remus minded the taste, or the idea of drinking, but there was no way to know how the wolf in him was going to react to it, and it terrified him.

With that thought, he brought the bottle up to his lips and tilted his head back. His three friends looked excitingly at him, as if they were expecting a sudden drunkenness to hit him as soon as the whisky hit his tongue. The whiskey burned his throat, but was different from normal firewhisky, a rougher, round, edge to it, and he coughed slightly after swallowing, handing the bottle back to Sirius.

“How about…” Lily started, not noticing the weird attitude of Remus’ friends, “We play a drinking game of sorts.” Her eyes fell on James, who ,considering the circumstances, hadn’t said much since the girls joined them, “To make this less awkward.” She finished, still watching James.

“That is a stupendous idea.” James said, nonchalantly, although his eyes shone with excitement.

Sirius leaned into Remus’ space, “What sort of git says stupendous?” He whispered, breath fanning hot against Remus’ ear.

Remus shuddered slightly, grabbing the bottle from Sirius again and taking a swig, then wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his robes, and replied “A love-struck one.”

They all got settled, Lily and Mary sharing one bottle, Peter and James one, and Sirius and Remus the last one. They pushed the chairs closer to the table, forming a circle and blocking off the rest of the common room, which was growing considerably louder and hotter with each passing minute. At last, sharing a dreadful look with Lily, they both ripped off their robes, not baring the heat any longer. Remus’ cheeks felt like they were burning, and his stomach was bubbling, the firewhisky boiling inside of him. Sirius glanced at him quickly, but turned back just as fast. They decided on playing truth or dare, a muggle drinking game Lily had learned over the summer.

“What sort of dares?” Asked Sirius, a great twinkle in his eye. Remus didn’t want to think about the sort of ideas he must be conjuring in his mind.

“You know,” Lily waved her hand through the air, “Singing the national anthem at the top of your lungs, sticking your head out the window and screaming _I wish I was placed in Slytherin_ , kissing someone.” At that last example, her face went a funny, splotchy, sort of red, and she took a gulp of schnapps.

Sirius clapped his hands together loudly, “Stupendous!”

Remus let out a unexpected snort, as James stared daggers at Sirius across the coffee table.

Mary decided she was to start, so she narrowed her eyes like a predator hunting her prey at Peter, whom seemed to be sweating under her gaze, “Peter, truth or dare?”

Peter glanced at James, as if seeking comfort, but James wasn’t looking at him. He seemed to have forgotten his nonchalant act, and was staring at Lily with an awe-struck expression.

“Truth?” Peter coughed, but it sounded more like a question.

Mary ignored his reluctance, “If you had to kiss anyone at Hogwarts, who would it be?” She was smiling innocently, but Remus noticed the way she scooted closer to him. Lily rolled her eyes at Remus.

Peter looked like a deer caught in the headlights, “Anyone?” He squeaked.

“Boy or girl, any house, any year. Could even be a teacher if that’s what you fancy.” Mary grinned like a cat, as Peter’s cheeks flushed ever darker.

Remus felt a little bad for him, but remained silent, watching.

Peter coughed again, eyes a bit more set now, “Jorkins.” He said, firmly.

Bertha Jorkins was a plump Hufflepuff seventh year with a thick Irish accent whom adored gossip. She always smiled at Remus when he passed her in halls, but wasn’t very good in any lessons, and had once been the reason Remus scorched most of the skin of off his hand in potions. Sirius had cursed her all the way to the hospital wing as he escorted Remus, going on and on about Hufflepuff’s having nothing but air between their ears.

Mary hummed, eyes still set on Peter, as if she didn’t believe him, but didn’t word it.

“James, truth or dare?” Peter squeaked, obviously nervous under the gaze of his friends.

James smiled triumphantly, as he said, “Dare.”

Sirius nearly fell out of his seat with compressed excitement. Remus grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him back, which resolved in his hand getting stuck and sort of hanging around Sirius’ shoulders. Lily gave him a meaningful sort of look, which Remus didn’t understand, but he still blushed and gulped down too much firewhisky, choking slightly on the burn. Sirius didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he just didn’t mind.

Peter was thinking in silence for a few seconds before he said, “I dare you to kiss…” James was leaning forwards in his chair with the anticipation of it, “Sirius.”

Lily choked, then laughed loudly, eyes shining and smile sly. She looked rather pretty tonight, Remus thought. Her hair was loose and fire-red, and her shoulders were flushed and freckled. James looked shocked for a few seconds, then shrugged.

“Yet again will my lips touch upon those of the great James Potter.” Sirius said in mock awe, hand on Remus’ knee to push himself up from his slouching position, “I have waited since that of second year when we practiced kissing under the covers-“ He couldn’t finish his sentence as James had chucked a book at him, which missed and hit the wall behind the sofa with a loud thud. Lily and Mary were giggling, and Peter looked amused. Remus felt his own amusement bubbling in his chest.

James got up and made his way around the table to where Sirius was sitting, and bent over to give him a quick peck, before he looked at Lily, whom was sitting next to Sirius, as if to see her reaction. When he sat down again, he was noticeably red in the face. Remus chuckled as Lily snorted loudly next to him.

Sirius leaned back against the headrest of the sofa again, leaning into Remus’ side with a smirk on his handsome face. The light from the fireplace flickered across his skin, making him look like he was made of pale gold. Remus forced himself to look away, chugging down some firewhisky to look busy.

“Remus.” James said, voice a little squeaky. He cleared his throat and then said, “Truth or dare?”

Remus choked in surprise on a mouthful of whisky, and coughed loudly, feeling his cheeks heat up, before muttering “Truth.” He _did not_ want to be dared to kiss Sirius. Didn’t think he’d survive it.

James shared a look with Peter, whom in turn glanced at Sirius, and Remus regretted his decision immediately. He always thought he was good at keeping his feelings intact, secret, not letting himself show any sign of devotion for a _certain someone_. But it suddenly hit him that if anyone were to notice, it would be his best mates, whom knew him better than he sometimes knew himself, and he shuddered with nervousness as James’ eyes found him again.

“If you were to lay with either Dumbledore or McGonagall, whom would you rather take to bed?”

Remus shuddered with relief over the question not being what he had thought it ought to be, and then the feeling of amused nervousness took over. Lily snorted into the bottle of schnapps, and Sirius shook with laughter next to him.

“I also want a detailed reasoning behind your choice.” James added, voice heavy with amusement. Remus snorted, but considered the question for a few seconds, mostly to amuse his friends further.

“Dumbledore.” He finally said, and the group roared with laughter, “Because McGonagall would probably give me that condescending look for hers, and give me a considerable list of the things I could improve.” He continued, “I think Dumbledore would be much more forgiving.”

James choked on his laughter as he added, “And probably more experienced.”

“Please… I do not want to think about Dumbledore’s _experience_.” Mary said, laughter heavy in her voice, and they all burst out laughing again.

They played on for an hour or so, daring each other to silly little spectacles, and sharing embarrassing truths. Lily admitted that Caleb Grimsby, a very handsome Ravenclaw sixth year, had kissed her after a Quiddich match sometime last year. At this James went very pale, but kept his mouth shut, mostly out of shock, Remus suspected, than anything else. Other Gryffindors ended up joining them throughout the game; Frank Longbottom, Alice Fortescue, Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Hestia Jones and Kingsley Shacklebolt. The latter whom seemed to have drowned a whole bottle of firewhisky by himself, but gave no sign of intoxication. As more and more of their friends joined, the game died down and they ended up just chatting and sharing stories instead. Chairs were added around the coffee table, and in the love seat Sirius, Lily, Dorcas and Remus himself had all squeezed together with such close proximity Remus was practically in Sirius’ lap. Lily kept glancing at him with a twinkle in her eye, but Remus refused to meet her gaze, busying himself with talking animatedly with Kingsley about their charms homework.

“Aren’t you two prefects supposed to be doing rounds tonight?” Frank Longbottom asked teasingly in Remus and Lily’s direction, after he had drained the rest of a bottle of something dark red, which he had been sharing with his girlfriend Alice.

Lily, whom was flushed with intoxication, a pleased smile on her lips, as she had just whispered something to Dorcas and Marlene, whom both giggled behind her, “Yes!” She exclaimed, feigning a serious expression, shooting up from her seat. “Come on then, Remus. Responsibility calls!”

Remus’ head spun with confusion, “I don’t think that’s so smart.” He said, but Lily simply pretended she hadn’t heard him, as she grabbed both his hands and dragged him up. She had dragged him halfway across the common room before their friends had caught up and started yelling in confusion after them.

“What if we meet a teacher?” He hissed as she swung the portrait open in front of them, “In this state!” He added at her lack of response. But she still climbed through to the hallway outside and turned to wait for Remus, whom knew he couldn’t let her go alone in her drunken state. He glanced back at his confused friends one more time, then followed suit.

Outside, Lily had already started walking down the hall, and Remus had to jog to catch up with her, “We should start on the main floor-“ He started, but Lily laughed loudly at him.

She bumped her shoulder into his, causing him to stumble slightly as he was completely unprepared, “We’re not actually going to patrol. I know that all the Gryffindors are in the common room. Don’t you think I counted them before I started drinking?” She grinned at him, “What kind of prefect do you take me for?”

 _A better one than me_ , Remus thought, as he hadn’t even considered the fact that he was a prefect this year. He then thought over what she had just said, and felt his face turn into a puzzled expression, “Then why did you drag me outside?”

“To save you.” She replied simply as she stopped to peer around a corner, and apparently deeming it safe as she kept walking. Remus had no idea what she meant.

“It all seemed a bit much for you.” She explained upon glancing at his bewildered expression, “I know it’s your first time at one of these things, and you looked like you needed a bit of fresh air.”

Remus hadn’t even noticed his tenseness until he let his muscles relax, grateful for the open space of the empty corridor. He normally didn’t mind the small crowded space of the common room or the way Gryffindor’s loved to huddle together, loud and noisy and touchy. But he also preferred the company of only a few at a time, or else he would retreat to a corner with a book and listen to their conversation absent-mindedly until James, Sirius and Peter joined him.

He was about to open his mouth again, when they passed the Slytherin prefects, and he had to pretend like he knew how to walk in a straight line, and like it was completely normal for him and Lily to be dressed in only undershirts during their after curfew patrol. One of them were Andromeda Black, who smiled kindly at Remus. She was a tall sixth year Slytherin, and Sirius’ favourite cousin. She had the same aristocratic brow all the Black cousins shared, but had brown hair rather than black, and warm hazel eyes. Remus liked her, not only because she was the only Black that didn’t treat Sirius like dirt (except Regulus, whom didn’t seem to know how to act towards Sirius lately), but because she was kind, and fierce, and never let her friends pick on muggle-born students. The other prefect was Caius Avery, whom gave Lily a disgusted look and Remus the trademark Slytherin sneer.

“Evening, Andromeda.” Lily said, sounding undeniably drunk, a sly grin on her face, “Caius.” Her tone switched to a somewhat amused determination, and he practically shook with disgust, which only seemed to please Lily.

“Evans.” Andromeda grinned, rolling her eyes at Avery behind his back, then she smiled at Remus, “Lupin. Say hi to Sirius from me, would you?” She then steered Avery away before he could say anything to them.

“I need a smoke.” Lily said, deflating a bit, as soon as the Slytherin’s were out of earshot, smiling at Remus’ shocked expression, “Don’t tell anyone.” She winked.

“I… What?” Remus asked, but followed her as she started walking again.

“There’s something about staying civil towards someone who would really like to put an end to you and everyone like you, which makes you quite… exhausted? You know?”

Remus wanted to laugh slightly at what she was indicating, as if he didn’t have any idea how that would feel, but he kept his mouth shut.

They walked in comfortable silence down the marble stairs and towards the main entrance, which had been closed for the night, and they had to work together to open the huge oak door with little noise, and slip outside. It wasn’t Remus’ first time sneaking outside after curfew, and from the looks of it, not Lily’s either. They walked the grounds down towards the green houses, trying not to slip on the damp grass. The air was brisk and stung against Remus’ bare arms, and when he glanced up at the castle he could see the bright warm light from Gryffindor tower. Lily led him behind a garden shed Remus had never noticed before, and fished a carton of cigarettes from behind a loose wallboard.

“Is this a known smoking location?” Remus asked as he took the smoke she was handing him.

She shrugged, “My friends know, at least, and I’ve seen Shacklebolt and Longbottom here a few times. Alice doesn’t approve, however, so don’t tell her.” Remus hadn’t planned to, wasn’t really the sort to mix with others affairs.  

“I wanted to speak to you about something.” She said after a while, smoke oozing out of her mouth as she spoke, or maybe it was her breath against the brisk fall air. Remus coughed slightly as he nodded for her to continue.

“Well, it’s just that…” She seemed a bit lost for words, and was nervously picking her nails, not looking Remus in the eye. “Caleb asked me to go with him on the upcoming Hogsmeade trip. I was wondering how you think James would react if I were to go with him?”

Remus didn’t know what to say at first, a bit shocked at her nervous expression, “Grimsby?” He asked, even though he didn’t know any other Caleb at Hogwarts.

“Of course, who else?” She laughed, her tone considerably less nervous sounding now. Remus thought about it until the cigarette he was holding had burned down to his fingertips, and he dropped it in surprise.

“I think he would fling himself from Gryffindor tower.” He said finally, never surer of anything in his life. “You know how he is, always the fan of drama. I think he gets it from Sirius, or maybe Sirius gets it from James. Or maybe they’ve ruined each other, equally.” He noticed he was rambling, and stopped to take in the look on Lily’s face. She looked content.

“Good to know.” She said, but Remus didn’t know if that meant she was going to go with Caleb or not.

They walked back up to the castle in comfortable silence, only laughing together once when Remus slipped on wet grass and slammed his knees into the ground. They were almost back at the portrait hole when Lily spoke again, “Oh, there was one more thing.” She said as Remus tried to rub the wetness of the knees of his pants, “Dorcas wanted me to ask you if you knew if Sirius is seeing anyone, she’s rather interested.”

At this, Remus choked on his own breath, coughing violently as he felt his cheeks flush hotly with jealousy. “What?” He asked when he finally got his breath under control.

“You know…” Her eyes were twinkling with mischief, and she reminded Remus momentarily of James, “She was wondering if he was available. If she could make a move on him.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know if he knew the answers to her questions. Was Sirius seeing someone? Surely Remus would know if he was. Sirius usually wouldn’t shut up about any fling, kiss or flirt he had. But then again, Remus wouldn’t know if Sirius had his eyes on someone.

“I… I don’t know.” Remus was so caught off guard about the whole thing that he couldn’t control his tone, which sounded embarrassingly croaky.

Lily considered him for a few seconds, eyes calculating, “I’ll tell her to lay off then.” She said at last, as if she was reassuring him.

He stared at her with wide eyes, “Wha-“

“Oh, come on, you’re an open book, Lupin. But don’t worry, I’ll keep your _secret_ ” She said the word as if it was a joke, but smiled kindly at him, and he felt hot all over.

“What secret?” He squealed, embarrassing himself even more. Lily grinned.

“Who are you trying to fool? Yourself or others?” She laughed as they stopped in front of the fat lady, whom seemed to be pretending like she hadn’t heard their conversation. Remus didn’t think he’d ever felt this exposed.

“I don’t think I understand.” He lied, feeling Lily’s gaze bore right through him.

“You look at him like he’s the most brilliant thing you’ve ever seen.” She smiled sweetly, then went a little red and looked away from Remus, “Like how Potter looks at me.” And with that, she coughed, “Nipplewort.” And left Remus standing out in the hall in shock.

The portrait swung closed after her, and the fat lady regarded him with a meaningful look. “She’s quite right, dear.”

Remus didn’t think it was possible to blush any deeper than he already was, and he angrily muttered, “Oh, shut your face.” To which she just laughed, and swung the portrait open without the password.

Inside the common room the crowd had grown considerably smaller, and his friends whom had been sitting together in a big group when he and Lily left, were now clumped together in smaller groups, although still sitting in the same area. James and Peter were laughing with Frank, while Marlene and Alice was trying to have a conversation with Kingsley, whom seemed a bit lost. Sirius was still in the loveseat with Dorcas, whispers being shared between them. As Remus entered, James looked at him with a meaningful look that clearly meant _you better tell me everything later._ Lily seemed to have taken to feeling sorry for Kingsley, as she had went over to distract her friends so he could get away. Remus didn’t know what to do with himself. He looked over at Sirius and Dorcas again, and decided at once that he needed another drink.

Sirius looked up at him when he walked over, “Where have you been?” He asked loudly, pointing a shaky finger at Remus, “We’ve been worried.” He said, words slurred, and pointed between Dorcas and himself. Remus felt his chest tighten considerably.

“You know… Patrolling.” Remus said, but he had the suspicion Sirius wasn’t listening to him, as he had turned back to Dorcas to stare disbelieving at something she had whispered in his ear.

Remus didn’t stick around to find out what she had said, just grabbed the unopened bottle of firewhisky from in between the sofa cushions and went to sit with Peter, James and Frank.

“Alright there, Remus?” Frank asked as Remus opened the bottle and took a big gulp, some of the liquid spilling down his chin. Remus nodded, feeling a bit dizzy. James slung his arm around his shoulder, leaning into him. He smelled of sleekeazy’s and cinnamon from the whiskey, and the weight of him against Remus was familiar and comforting.

“So, did you and Lily find anything interesting on your round?” He asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but Remus could see right through him. Was this how Lily saw Remus?

“We met the Slytherin prefects… Andromeda and that Avery bloke.” At this James wrinkled his nose in disgust, for he knew what Avery and his blood-purity-obsessed friends said about muggle-borns. “And uh, no… That was it.” He hoped he didn’t smell to much of cigarette smoke.

James seemed to be chewing on something he wanted to say, but Peter interrupted him, “I heard rumours that Avery’s friends Mulciber and Nott has been harassing muggle-born first years, and calling them… You know what...” He glanced over at where Lily was sitting, “And that McGonnagal caught them trying to hex one last week. They’ve got detentions for a month, and apparently their parents were contacted about the matter…”

“As if they were anything but proud.” James said with disgust.

Remus couldn’t help but think that maybe Peter and Bertha Jorkins would make a good couple. Maybe he should suggest Peter ask her to go to Hogsmeade with him next month. James was saying something in an angry tone that Remus couldn’t catch, because he was too busy watching Sirius whom had lifted his hand to rub something off Dorcas’ cheek, and she was giggling loudly. He didn’t have time to think, as Lily appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Dorcas’ attention.

“I need to go to the bathroom, come with me.” She said with intent, glancing quickly at Remus, who felt overwhelmingly grateful and shameful all at once. Who was he to stop Sirius from flirting with whomever he wants. Maybe Sirius really liked Dorcas; maybe they would go to Hogsmeade together and do homework in the library and hold hands on the way to lessons. Something ugly bubbled in Remus’ stomach at this thought. He felt like he blacked out for a second, because suddenly Sirius was next to him, saying something.

“Huh?”

Sirius grinned, not noticing Remus’ odd mood. It dwelled on Remus then that either Lily was good at reading people, or Sirius was hopeless at it. “You’re quite pissed, aren’t you Remus?” Remus answered by taking another drink of the bottle he was still clutching tightly.

“No.” He lied, making Sirius chuckle, as he seated himself on the coffee table in front of Remus and grabbed the firewhisky from him.

When he finished taking a drink, he grinned again, “Isn’t this great?” He gesticulated wildly around with the bottle, almost knocking Frank over the head with it, “Merlin! Sorry, Longbottom.” He grinned sheepishly.

“Yup, great.” Remus lied again, and then felt a surge of shame at his misplaced annoyance. Sirius hadn’t done anything to make him upset, and with a reluctant sigh he said, “Lily told me Dorcas thinks you’re fit.”

At this Sirius’ eyes widened slightly, but he quickly recovered and smirked cheekily, “Of course she does. Who doesn’t?” He grinned, running a hand through his hair, making it stand up slightly.

When Remus didn’t answer, Sirius knocked the bottle he was holding against James’ knee, ignoring his yelp of pain, “James, can you think of anyone in this common room who wouldn’t snog me?”

James didn’t even need a second to catch up, “Let me think?” He didn’t seem to think this an unusual question, and Remus felt a pang of amused adoration for his friends’ relationship, “Nope. Can’t think of a single soul in this whole castle who wouldn’t jump at the chance to snog you if they were presented with it. Even bloody Malfoy would probably snog you without a second thought.”

Sirius looked disgusted, scrunching up his nose, “That’s a bit far, mate.”

Frank and Peter laughed as James shrugged, “Maybe. But tell me I’m wrong.”

Sirius smirked, then turned his gaze back to Remus, whom had almost forgotten how this conversation came to be, “So Dorcas is into me?”

Remus coughed, then nodded. Sirius considered this, thick eyebrows narrowing as he swiped his tongue over his front teeth. Remus looked away, meeting Frank’s gaze instead. Frank’s dark hair had grown shaggy and long over the summer vacation, and his eyes shone brightly as he grinned sheepishly at Remus. Lily’s words from earlier rang in his ears and he speculated for a second if everyone in the room could tell how he was feeling right now. 

“She’s quite fit, isn’t she?” James said, slapping Sirius’ thigh, looking impressed. Peter had a look of bright admiration on his face as he watched the two talk over James’ shoulder.

Frank leaned closed to participate in the conversation, “Alice told me Dorcas has a thing for troublemakers. Apparently she was quite fond of James in your second year.” He said, and Remus was glad to have Frank’s gaze of off him.

James grinned at Frank at first, then looked affronted, “Why’d she stop?”

“Puberty hasn’t done you any deeds, mate.” Sirius chuckled, taking a long drink of whiskey as James spluttered, “You used to have these huge brown eyes and your whole messy hair thing was adorable back then, but now you just look like an overgrown pygmy puff.”

“Alice said something about how it’s because Sirius has better hair.” Frank confirmed, not seeming to care to sound apologetic as James let out a yelp and Sirius barked a laugh.

“This is all very, very hurtful.” James said, tone affronted, but eyes shining with playfulness, “Do you think I’m bad looking, Remus?”

Remus furrowed his brows, trying hard not to roll his eyes at his friend, “No, you’re quite ok looking.” He said, feigning a bored expression, and James looked offended.

“Ok looking? Ok?” He squeaked, arms flailing around, “You lot are bloody mad! Way to make a bloke feel good about himself.”

Sirius grabbed one of James’ hands to stop him from slapping one of them in the face, “You know you’re a handsome devil James, we just can’t let you know because if your ego gets any bigger you might topple over with the weight of it!” Sirius said with the air of someone explaining something simple to someone quite dumb. James narrowed his eyes at Sirius’ tone, but smirked none the less.

“Ah, it’s fine. I can distribute it throughout my body to balance it all out.” James chuckled, then looked puzzled, “What were we talking about again?”

“Dorcas fancies Sirius.” Peter chimed in, helpfully.

“Ah, yes.” James said airily, “So what’re you going to do about it, mate?” He said to Sirius, whom squirmed slightly, then looked bored.

“Nothing.” He replied, nonchalantly, with a dismissive wave of his hand, “Lots of girls fancy me. Should I snog all of them?” He asked, smirking, then picking at something under his nails as if to say that this whole conversation was beneath him.

James snorted, “Yes!” He said, quite loudly, and a few people stopped talking to look at him, “What kind of git doesn’t grab the chance to snog as many girls as possible when he has the bloody privilege of having them throwing themselves at him?” James said, tone a bit high-pitched, “Some people aren’t as lucky, Sirius, and I think you’d be offending those people if you weren’t to use your situation to your benefit.”

Frank laughed, but agreed. Peter simply nodded his head grimly, as if saying that he, himself, felt offended with just the mere thought of Sirius doing such a thing.

“Right, Remus?” James asked, bumping his elbow into Remus’ side, and Remus jumped in surprise.

“Er, yes, I suppose.” Remus said, hoping none of his friends heard the tenseness of his voice. Sirius looked at him with a curious gaze, then fixed his eyes back on James.

“Do you remember Christmas last year? You made sure you snogged anyone who happened to be near a mistletoe… I even think you tried to snog Flitwick!” Frank said, resulting in the roar of laugher from the group, “And you went on that rant when we tried to tell you to reel it back a bit, something about communism and holiday cheer.” Sirius barked a laugh and seemed to be thinking about it for a while, then he clapped his hands together loudly.

“You know what? You’re right, of course you are. I will slip my tongue to any anyone whom asks, like some call girl, but not tonight.” His tone was full of confidence, and Remus wondered for a second if he was pretending or not, “Tonight I refuse to talk to anyone but my boys,” He leaned forwards a ruffled Peter’s hair, whom looked star struck, “No girls tonight!”

“Well, you on that.” Frank said at the same time as James said, “Speak for yourself.”

Sirius laughed loudly again, as Remus leaned back in his seat, feeling exhausted and emotionally drained, but grateful and warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would LOVE feedback!! remember to leave a kudo is you enjoyed the read


	2. november 1975 - Alastor Moody's Capture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Sirius had kneeled in front of him and said, “No, no. I know monsters… And you, Remus, are not a monster.” And he gripped the back of Remus’ head and held him steady, pressing his face into Remus’ hair.

Remus was intently taking notes about Shield charms, trying very hard to act like he didn’t notice Sirius’ desperate attempts at getting his attention. Twice now he had been poked in the back with what he suspected was Sirius’ quill, and once the latter had thrown a balled up piece of parchment at the side of Remus’ head. The note read ‘ _remus you git!!!’_ , but Remus had simply thrown it back over his shoulder without looking and returned to his notes, that despite his effort, were incomprehensible and full of grammatical errors. His cheeks flushed with annoyance at both himself and Sirius. Mostly Sirius. It was their last class of the day, and Remus was used to how restless his friends got on days where they had afternoon classes _and_ double charms. Remus glanced over to where James was sitting to his right. James was nodding off into his charms book, a bit of dried up drool at the sides of his mouth, and Remus felt the urge to chuck his own book at him. Charms was both Remus’ and James’ best subject, but the difference was that James could sleep through classes all year and still pass with flying colours, while Remus had to work his arse off to keep up his perfect grade.

For a few minutes he got to give Flitwick his undivided attention, before something stabbed him in the back again. Gripping his own quill so hard his knuckles turned white, he bit his teeth together harshly and stared at the back of Flitwick’s balding head. Sirius must have be able to see his annoyance by that point. Something flew over his shoulder and landed in front of him on the desk. Peter, whom was sitting next to Remus and had been asleep two seconds earlier, jumped awake and looked over with a startled expression. Remus gave him a meaningful look and mouthed, ‘ _Sirius_ ,’ and Peter seemed to understand, closing his eyes contently again.

Unrolling the parchment with resentment at his own intrigue at what Sirius was so persistent about, he glanced down at the messy handwriting, trying to decipher the words. ‘ _Read the prophet today?_ ’ was scribbled hastily, and in the corner of the parchment Remus could see pieces of a sentence that was clearly Sirius’ charms notes. Remus knew he was taking the bait, letting his intrigue get the best of him, as he finally turned around to face his annoying friend.

Sirius was grinning triumphantly, and for a second Remus thought the thing about the prophet had merely been a way to get Remus’ attention, but then Sirius slid him the paper under the desk to read. As he was turning around again to face the front, Sirius whispered “Pass it to James, once you’re done.”

Remus found that an impossible thing to ask of him, seeing as James was practically snoring by now. From the corner of his eyes, Remus spotted bright red hair moving, and he suspected Lily Evans had noticed Sirius’ little spectacle. It occurred to him then that as a prefect he wasn’t setting the best example, but no one could blame him seeing as only the strongest willed person in the world would be able to ignore Sirius Black once he set his mind on getting your attention. Remus’ gaze fell back on Sirius’ copy of the prophet, and his eyes glided over the front page that read ‘ _Mad but brilliant_ – _Auror Department praised for capture mission last Sunday_ ’ with a picture of a scarred and broody looking wizard with quite mad eyes and matted shoulder length hair. The wizard was standing completely still, only his eyes moving, looking Remus over with a calculating gaze. Remus had heard of Moody before; Sirius wouldn’t shut up about him their third year, when he’d put about ten dark wizards in Azkaban in the span of a month and won some sort of award. Intrigued, he flipped to the page of the article, sure that this was what Sirius wanted him to read.

**_Alastor Moody has been a well-respected, and feared, auror for many years. Widely known and cherished by the department as well as the wizarding community since his brilliant arrest of Bulgarian dark wizard Asparuh Hristofor Akulov fifteen years ago, just two months after passing his auror training. Although many question his sanity, there is no questioning his talent for sniffing out dark magic and wizards preforming it._ **

**_With the late murmurs and rumours about the wizard known as Voldemort and his dedicated group of supporters, named the Death Eaters, many have looked to the auror-department and the minister for security measures and a course of action. This last Monday, however, the auror-department released a statement stating Moody lead a task force that captured one of these Death Eaters and that the departments’ top priority is to question the wizard and find out all they can on Voldemort – and his intentions. Rumours had it that the dark wizard captured was the famously savage werewolf Fenrir Greyback, known for the brutal murders of seven-year-old Kathrine Cossack and five-year-old Martin Lamont in 1971, but nothing has yet been confirmed._ **

**_Again, Alastor Moody has proved himself one of the best aurors of wizarding history, and we feel safer knowing he’s out there doing the good work for the wellness of all off wizarding Britain._ **

Remus read the article twice, glancing nervously at the name ‘ _Fenrir Greyback’_ , his hands cold and clammy with anxiety. Something hot poked against his lungs, and he had to focus to regain his ability to breathe properly. Did Sirius know? Or had he merely thought the fact that Moody had captured such a wanted criminal cool? He felt cold sweat trickle down his back as he reread the article yet again, this time refusing to read the name in his mind. Peter was stirring next to him, yawning silently and rubbing his eyes before leaning into Remus’ space for a good look at the paper. Remus let him read the article, feeling sick with anticipation.

“Bloody…” Peter whispered in Remus’ ear, voice filled with awed admiration, and Remus tried to twist his face into something similar to Peter’s as the latter looked at him.

“Yeah, I know.” He whispered back, his voice cracking slightly, and he hoped Peter would assume it was out of wonder and not nausea.

Sirius poked him in the back again, this time a bit softer, and when Remus turned his head to stare at him, he nodded his head in the direction of James. Remus looked to his right just to see James awake and staring at him and Peter with a look of sleepy interest on his puffy face. In that moment, Flitwick’s voice rang out over the classroom, shaking student awake from daydreams and naps, “Pair up! I want everyone to succeed in doing a Shield charm before the end of class. They will without doubt be on the exams.”

Sirius, whom would normally pair up with James, grabbed the back of Peter’s robes and pulled him up from his seat, staring pointedly at Remus as he dragged Peter away to the back of the classroom.

“What’s all that about?” James asked next to him, with a little yawn, “Do I smell or something?” He joked, sitting down in Peter’s vacated seat next to Remus.

“No, but you do have some drool on your chin.” Remus smirked, enjoying the way James’ eyed widened as he rubbed his chin hurriedly, “And the side of your hair _is_ as flat as Snape’s.”

At this James let out a little yell of indignation, using both hands to mess up his hair until he sort of resembled an Indian Einstein. Remus laughed, then remembering the article he was supposed to be showing him, grabbed the prophet and dumped it in James’ lap. The latter looked a little confounded for a second, then grabbed the paper and scanned it. Luckily, for them, Flitwick was on the other side of the classroom, watching a Slytherin girl Remus didn’t know the name of trying to hex Lily Evans, whom blocked the charm easily with a bored look on her face.

“Blimey.” James gasped when he finally finished reading, and started at Remus with eyes the size of quaffles. Remus nodded grimly, not sure what to say. He wished Sirius had just showed James the paper himself; the two could have whispered in awe in the back of the classroom and left Remus to his internal emotional breakdown. “Do you… Have you heard of…?” James’ tone of voice was surprisingly careful. Never in their five year long friendship had Remus seen James trying to watch his words not to hurt someone’s feelings. His heart swelled a little at the thought.

“Greyback.” Remus said, his tone firmer than expected, despite his shaky hands and cold sweat. “Yes, I’ve… _heard_ of him.”

James nodded, lips pressed firmly together in thought, “Mom used to… She used to tell stories about him when I was younger, to scare me from playing in the woods after dark. Well obviously we didn’t know his name back then, but…” He spoke in hushed tones, not looking Remus in the eye, but rather staring over his shoulder and out the windows.

“Mum did the same.” Remus laughed feebly, remembering his scared five-year-old self, mere months before he was bitten, trembling under his bedsheets, jumping at any noise outside his bedroom window.

“I used to think she was just making him up. It seemed quite idiotic that the most famous werewolf of all time would hang out in the forest behind my house, lurking to attack children… But then… Well, the stories, the rumours, the...”

Remus swallowed the huge lump in his throat and hid his shaking hands under the desk. _The bodies_.

“Remus…” James said in a low whisper, “When did you… Where were you when you were… You know?”

James had that look about him that he always got when there was a mystery to crack and a puzzle to solve, but Remus replied anyways, knowing full well he was walking head first into a trap, “I was six, on holiday with my family in Scotland at the time.”

James was silent for a long time, still not looking at Remus, and looking like he was thinking really hard about something. A few minutes later he looked like he had come to a conclusion, and he finally glanced at Remus, a sad sort of look on his face. Remus knew immediately that James had realized _which_ werewolf had bitten him. It was a few months after Greyback’s hearing at the ministry, after the prophet had written a long article about the argument between Remus’ father and the suspected murderer Fenrir Greyback in court. 

_“Werewolves are vicious non-human creatures whom should be hunted to extinction; Fenrir Greyback deserves nothing but death.”_

James nodded firmly, “Well then, shield charms.” He said, his tone changed so abruptly Remus almost forgot that they had been talking about werewolves and murdered children seconds before, and he was so grateful he almost choked on it.

 

*******

 

“I want to be like Mad Eye when I leave Hogwarts.” Sirius said after class as they were climbing the marble stairs, Remus on his left side, James and Peter on his right.

“Ugly, crazy and emotionally unavailable?” James coughed, ducking when Sirius tried to slap the back of his head, and grinned at Remus as he straightened up again.

“No, you git, an auror! Can you imagine being out there, doing something about this growing fear?” Sirius’ voice was thick with awe, and Remus couldn’t help but think that his intense admiration had something to do with growing up in a family that was obsessed with the dark arts. Sirius’ brother Regulus and his gang of Slytherins had been growing restless and bold lately, seemingly thinking the rules no longer applied to them, hexing muggle-borns left and right, and threatening the teachers with their family names when they were caught.

“I don’t think I would do much good as an auror.” Peter muttered, glancing down at his feet as they were walking, as if trying very hard to not trip.

Sirius just laughed, but Remus said, “That can’t be true. You’re pretty brilliant at potions!” And Peter glanced up from the ground to grin gratefully at him.

“And!” James said, “You make a brilliant scapegoat!” He chuckled, not unkindly, but clearly teasing, “Remember when we sent you to McGonagall’s office to set off a dungbomb so we could get her out of our way? I mean you were caught and given a month’s detention, and then we were taken down with you, but it was pretty brilliant.”

Peter’s grin turned a little embarrassed, and he went back to staring at his dirty trainers.

“Anyways…” Sirius said loudly, gaining all their attentions again before going on, “I would love being a part of Moody’s task force! Imagine being the one to bring in Fenrir bloody Greyback!”

Remus stumbled a little on the last step, but caught himself and ignored Sirius’ odd look.

“Yeah, yeah.” James said with a wave of his hand, feigning a bored tone, “I’m tired of talking about that old sock.”

Sirius looked like he’d just been slapped, “What crawled up your butt this morning and died?” He yelped, sounding affronted, “Are you missing the point? Moody captured the guy that keeps murdering children? Am I the only one that finds that bloody brilliant?”

Remus saw James shrug, and Peter seemed too lost in thought to pay attention to what had just been said, so he took it upon himself to reassure Sirius, “It’s not that we don’t think it’s great…” He said, trying to come up with words that would end this whole topic the least painful way, “It’s just that… Well, the prophet said that it hadn’t been confirmed that it was actually… Er, Greyback, whom had been captured. So we’re just… Not celebrating too early?”

“Oh, but they always say that just so they won’t get in trouble for leaking sensitive information!” Sirius said dismissively, still staring at James like he’d stabbed him in the back. “The only thing that could be better than this is if You Know Who himself had been captured!”

“Why that’s a bit of a stretch,” Frowned James, finally giving Sirius the attention he had been begging for, “I mean capturing You Know Who would maybe put an end to the fear and the stirring war, and all that… Capturing Greyback only means that the most dangerous werewolf of our time is… well, in London. And it’s not as if he hasn’t escape the ministry before.” He glanced over at Remus as he spoke, but Remus tried very hard not to meet his eye.

Sirius and James started bickering, and Remus fell too deep into thought to be able to pay attention to what they were saying. He thought back to _that_ morning, third year, when the secret was out, when Remus couldn’t hide it anymore; his lycanthropy – or as James refers to it as, “ _his furry little problem_ ”. Sirius had confronted Remus one morning – when Peter and James had gone down to breakfast early and the two of them were alone in their dormitory. Remus had been trying to find a pair of matching socks, but could only find odds and had a sneaking suspicion Sirius was behind it and he was just about to ask him about it when the latter coughed, in that way that means you want attention. Remus dropped a pair of brown socks with red polka dots and turned to look at him. Sirius was sitting on his bed looking nervous but determined, and he was rubbing the back of his neck, seemingly without even realizing, and he asked, “Remus, is your mom actually sick?” and Remus had felt a sudden jolt of panic and confusion.

“Of course she is. Why would you even ask that?” He said, feigning indignation.

“Well it’s just that… Well, whenever you come back you look… Well, pale and tired, and sometimes…” He stopped, looking uncomfortable, but stared directly into Remus’ face, “Sometimes you’ve got bruises and scars and I’m just… I see them when you change at night, and in the showers and they’re not regular old scrapes and bruises from banging into something… They’re… Real ones. Last month you came back with deep gashes across your jaw, and I can’t think off a single natural cause for that.” There was something so raw in his voice and it washed over Remus and he suddenly felt nauseous because Sirius was _insinuating_ something.

“It’s not like that…” He began, but Sirius cut him off.

“It’s just that I know… Well, my parents have never been good at using their words, and always goes the tough-love route.” His words sounded forced, as if he was fighting to get them through his teeth. And Remus felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach because of course he knew that Sirius hated his parents and that they didn’t treat him well, but if Sirius was saying what Remus was suspecting then he was going be sick right here on the carpet.

“Oh…” Is all he could think off to say and Sirius suddenly looked angry.

“Well, it’s not like it’s any of _your_ business.” He said, tone cold and slightly embarrassed and Remus felt exhausted all of a sudden.

“You brought it up; I don’t even want to talk about it…” He said, watching Sirius’ shoulders slump.

“I’m just trying to say that if you were to tell anyone the truth, it should be me…”

Remus felt his own anger flare up, and he never imagined this was how this conversation was going to pan out; but he was knees deep and there was no way out.

“But nothing is going on! There’s nothing to tell!” He yelled, chest flaring with emotion at the lie, and Sirius looked like he was either going to cry or punch something, or someone.

“Oh, come on, Lupin! I know how someone looks and acts after being hit, or hexed, hell I even know that little twitch and the cold sweat after the cruciatus curse! You can’t hide it from _me_!” Sirius yelled back, and they both physically slumped with realization at the same time. Sirius went all pale and open-mouthed, and looked like he wants to crawl under his bed and die, and Remus really was going to be sick all over their dormitory floor.

“Sirius, I’m…” Sirius almost flinched at the sound of his own name, and Remus felt like hurtling himself out the window, then with more determination he said, “My mom isn’t sick.”

Sirius glanced up at him with angry eyes, skin too pale and mouth too hard.

“But it’s also not what you think…” Remus continued, “God, I might just be sick…” He felt slightly hysterical, “I don’t go home every month… I… Well, I’m the one who’s sick.” He knew how he meant to say the words, but when they left his mouth they sounded unsure and scared, and more like a question than a statement. And Sirius looked more confused than Remus had ever seen him.

“What do you mean you’re sick? You haven’t ever said…” And then something passed over his face, pale and shocked and sad and angry, all at once, and Remus really hoped he would throw up soon so he would stop feeling like he was going to explode. They had just learned about werewolves in Defence Against the Dark Arts class, and Remus had the sneaking suspicion that Sirius was connecting the dots. Remus internally cursed himself for ever opening his stupid mouth.

The silenced that stretched lasted for minutes, maybe hours, Remus thought. He felt ill and scared, and slightly heart-broken, because Sirius wasn’t saying anything and his face was slack with realization. And suddenly the dormitory door opened and James and Peter stuck their heads in looking confused, asking why they hadn’t come down to breakfast, and then asking why they both looked like they had seen a corpse.

And no one said anything for a while, because the air was serious and sharp, but then Sirius’ eyes went all kind, and slightly humours, and he said, “Remus Lupin, huh? You’re parents really cursed you with that sort of name.”

And so many emotions washed over Remus all at once, his knees buckling as he collapsed in sobs on the hard stone floor, right there in front of his best friends.

“I’m a monster.” He cried, because he couldn’t help it, and he was afraid, and just a boy, and somehow also a monster. A lonely angry monster, a boy desperate for friends.

And Sirius had kneeled in front of him and said, “No, _no_. I _know_ monsters… And you, Remus, are _not_ a monster.” And he gripped the back of Remus’ head and held him steady, pressing his face into Remus’ hair.

And afterwards, his friends had seemed to be going out of their ways to touch him or be near him as if trying to prove to him that they weren’t afraid of him. He had been terrified they would be. Feared they would cringe at his touch, jump at the sound of his voice, maybe even ask Dumbledore to switch out the dormitories. Remus had asked about it when he was 11, when he and his parents had that meeting with Dumbledore. He’d been positive there was no way Dumbledore would let him share rooms with other students, putting them in harms way, but Dumbledore had simply smiled at Remus and said, “ _you’re a boy Remus, and boys_ need _friends_ ” with such finality Remus hadn’t dared argue. The following week after the truth was out, Sirius kept leaning into him when they did homework together in the common room, and James would bump his shoulder into Remus’ way more than necessary, and Peter couldn’t stop asking Remus if he was ok. Once Remus had to escape to the bathrooms to have a cry, because he was so grateful and happy he could barely breathe. There had never been one single part of him that thought anyone would stay his friend if, god forbid, anyone found out he turned into a blood-thirsty monster once a month. But James, Sirius and Peter had simply just accepted the fact and with brilliant minds, tried to come up with ways they could help out.

That following full moon, they had escorted him to the hospital wing a few hours before midnight.

“See’ya, _Moony_.” James winked.

“Be safe, and uh, stuff.” Peter grinned.

“Are you sure I can’t come?” Sirius asked, and Remus had to push him around the corner just as Madam Pomfrey came hurrying out of her office. Remus swore he could hear Sirius arguing in hushed whispers with the two others as he followed the matron down the hall and out into the cold night air, feeling for the first time that he wasn’t going to transform alone, at least not in spirit. Knowing his friends, they would be watching the Willow like hawks from the common room window, not going to bed until they saw him returning to the castle. The next morning they all showed up at the hospital wing, with red eyes and dark circles, and James had sat on the edge of his bed reading Emerson out loud, while Sirius and Peter fought over a chocolate bar. And Remus may have cried a bit.

Remus had been rather afraid to tell his parents that his friends knew when he came home that Christmas. He had been debating staying at Hogwarts, wanting to spend the holidays with his best mates, but he knew that if Sirius leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder one more time he _would_ combust. Remus had come down one afternoon, when his mother had finally stopped cleaning and his father had given up on shovelling the driveway and had come in to heat up in front of the fire. When he finally got the words out, stuttering and over explaining, they had both stayed silent for a very long while, as Remus, panicking slightly, considered all the possible reactions they could have. Then his mother burst into tears and cried that they should have the Potters over for tea after Boxing Day, and that she always knew Sirius was a good lad. And his father had looked stern but sort of bleary eyed and said, “ _Remus, you’re a smart boy. You’ve never trusted easily, and if you trust these mates of yours, so do we._ ” And Remus had to run up to his room before his parents saw his eyes tearing up.

“…- How Remus feels about it!” Remus was ripped back to reality with the mention of his name, and noticed that Sirius was slightly red in the face and James was looking at him slightly apologetically. Peter, whom was standing a little outside the circle looked at Remus expectantly, with great interest in whatever point James had just made.

“Huh?” Remus spluttered, flushing with all these eyes on him as he hadn’t payed attention.

“I was just saying that Sirius should lay of off this a bit, all things considered.” James coughed, rubbing the back of his neck in that way he always did when he was being scolded, and he kept glancing down at Remus’ feet instead of his face. “That being excited about capturing a werewolf, no matter whom he is, may be a bit… Upsetting for, er, you?” He phrased it like a question, and Remus felt caught off guard.

Sirius spluttered slightly, but didn’t retort or try to argue. 

“Er, no… Well, yes.” Remus started, then stopped and looked helplessly at James, whom still wasn’t looking at him, “Er, of course I’m as happy as anyone if it truly was G- … Him, that was captured. But I would prefer if we all… Well, if we could stop talking about it.”

Sirius considered him for a moment, looking both apologetic and suspicious, before saying “Right, of course, whatever… Lunch!” and they all steered towards the main hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated. Kudos are the best way to let me know you are enjoying this story, and want me to keep writing it! I've been wanting to write a Marauders story for a long time, and it's more intimidating than I'd imagined. Please let me know what you think of it too far! xoxoxoxo


	3. november 1975 - foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think there’s a great line between spewing some blood-purist bullshit you’ve picked up from your parents, and actually siding with and fighting for You-Know-Who in this war, and we have no idea where on that line the Slytherins are actually on.”

“They’re plotting something.” Sirius whispered, leaning towards Remus, planting his elbow in Remus’ textbook and nearly spilling his inkbottle. Sirius was slouching in the seat next to him, his knee pressing into the side of his thigh, and Remus had been spending the past hour pretending it wasn’t affecting him. He didn’t have to look at Sirius to tell he was wearing his signature frown.

“They’re always plotting.” He replied in a bored manner, not taking his eyes of his homework.

James sat opposite of them in a worn down armchair, staring into the fire with a far-away expression on his face, the flames reflecting in his hair, making it look like his whole head was on fire. He hadn’t touched his potions homework since they sat down over an hour ago. Peter was on his knees in front of the coffee table, a book open in front of him, but Remus suspected he was only pretending to read.

“This time it’s different.” Sirius pressed on, despite the lack of interest from his friends, “Regulus won’t even meet my eye in the hallways anymore. I know the twat hates me, but he’s never out-right ignored me before!”

Remus sighed and put his quill down, looking over at Sirius, whom was chewing on the end of his quill, eyes distant. He had been out of it a lot lately, with news of the distant brewing war coming in daily through rumours and death-announcements in the prophet. No one at Hogwarts had lost loved ones yet, but Remus feared it was only a question of time.

“Maybe your folks wrote to him or something?” Peter suggested, voice a bit careful. His face looked pale and cool, even though the light of the fire next to them was warm. Remus frowned at his expression, wondering what he was thinking about, but Peter didn’t meet his eye.

Sirius waved him off with the hand that wasn’t holding the quill, “Regulus may bow down to my parents at home, but he has no reason to listen to them when he’s at Hogwarts. That can’t be it…”

James finally came back from whatever daydream he had been having, to say, “Maybe he’s just… Oh, how do you always put it? A snobby git?”

“Oh, that he is. But, I’m telling you guys, something is _off_ about him. He seems twitchy and nervous whenever I see him, and his bloody gang doesn’t meet up for meals most days. They’re off plotting somewhere!”

Remus thought about it for a second. He couldn’t remember seeing Regulus or his friends for quite some time now. He had seen Snape and Avery in potions earlier that day, but besides that, the group had been quite invisible lately.

“Maybe he’s as scared about the things that are going on as the rest of us?” James tried, but Sirius just groaned loudly.

“Ok. What do you want us to do about it, then?” Remus asked, and Sirius looked uncomfortable, finally taking the quill out of his mouth.

“I don’t know… But, I don’t like _this_.” He sighed, slumping back in his seat and sliding down against the cushions, looking miserable, “I don’t want to worry about OWLS when there’s a blood-war happening on the other side of the UK! I don’t want to hide inside the safety of Hogwarts while people are being murdered in their homes! I don’t want to ignore the You Know Who supporters lurking right under our noses!”

James looked just as miserable, and nodded his head grimly as Sirius spoke. “I agree, but mate… We’re sixteen, what are we supposed to do? We can barely produce shield charms, and the only hex we’re proper good at is the tickling hex… How the bloody hell are we supposed to contribute?” His voice was barely a whisper, and they all had to lean towards each other over the coffee table to avoid the rest of the common room overhearing, “Do you want to walk to Dumbledore’s office and tell him you think Regulus wants to join the Death Eaters? I think there’s a great line between spewing some blood-purist bullshit you’ve picked up from your parents, and actually siding with and fighting for You-Know-Who in this war, and we have no idea where on that line the Slytherins are actually on.”  

Sirius groaned, “I’m not saying there’s anything to do, just that I wish there was… I feel so useless.”

“I do think feeling useless is an essential part of being teenagers.” Remus said, trying to lift the mood a bit, relieved to see Sirius crack a slightly disheartened smile. “And the war isn’t even a war yet. With our luck it won’t blow up until we’re old enough to have to do something and then we can all die heroically together on the front line!”

James laughed coldly, “You think the four of us, skinny and scrawny, will be sent to the front line?”

“First of all, speak for yourself, and second of all, yes, they will use our skinny bodies as useless shields, hoping the enemy will tier off torturing and killing us before reaching the second baton.” Sirius chuckled slightly, leaning back into the sofa again, and furrowing his brows, “I just hope we’re old enough to do something by the time the prophet announces that one of our loved ones or loved ones’ family members have been killed. I don’t think I can just sit around doing charms homework and worrying about what prank to pull on Snape next when that time comes.”

“I think we’re all with you on that.” James said, looking worried and slightly chalky, “Merlin, I hope that time never comes…”

Peter, whom was being unusually quiet, swallowed loudly and looked close to tears, and Remus couldn’t blame him. The situation outside of Hogwarts was just getting worse and worse, and the thought of being pulled out of class one day to bad news made Remus want to vomit.

“Maybe you could try to… And hear me out here Sirius, before you punch me in the throat! Maybe you should talk to Regulus?” James said, looking uncomfortable and avoiding Sirius’ gaze.

Sirius barked an unnatural laugh, which made multiple Gryffindors glance over with intrigue, “You want me to try to recruit him for the good side? Maybe tell him we’ve got pastries and butterbeer, and that it’s much better to be murdered for being a blood-traitor than being the one doing the murdering? Or maybe I’ll tell him to quit this whole thing because we’re brothers? Because we’ve had such great childhoods together, and maybe if we join forces our parents will die of disappointment and shame?”

None of them answered him, all glancing nervously at each other.

“God, I really should talk to him, shouldn’t I? That bloody twat. I’ll kick his arse, and then tell him to get his shit together or I’ll burn his collection of rare coins.”

 

*******

 

“Pass me the grape marmalade, Remus, would you?” Lily asked, across James, whom looked like he’d gotten a piece of sausage lodged in his throat. Remus slid the bowl over to her and she nodded appreciatively.

“Grape? Evans, that’s just bad taste…” Sirius said without looking up from his eggs, which he was currently stabbing half-heartedly with his fork. Remus narrowed his eyes at the poor eggs, but kept his mouth shut.

“No, Black, it’s called good taste, and it’s the reason why I won’t date Potter here.” Lily smirked, pointing at James with her thumb, and ignoring his yelp of indignation. Sirius looked up from his plate to grin at Lily, nodding in validation at her jab.

“Well played.” He laughed.

James was about to open his mouth to argue, when the sound of a hundred flapping wings caught everyone’s attention. Recently, the arrival of the post-owls made every student nervous and fidgety, and it all felt rather sombre. Remus was expecting a letter from his mum regarding the upcoming full moon, and the thought of the letter never arriving made him nauseous. He was deep in thought, imagining worst-case scenarios when a plump barn owl dove towards him and landed on his head, dropping a blue envelope right into his porridge.

Lily giggled a few seats away, and Remus muttered with annoyance, “Bloody dumb owl… Oh, bugger off, Morgana!” He waved the owl off his head, and it squeaked in indignation and flew away.

“I still can’t believe your muggle-born mum named her owl after one of the most famous witches of all time… That’s so nerdy.” Lily laughed.

“Yeah, well, it shouldn’t surprise you seeing how Remus turned out.” James said, unfolding the prophet in front of him.

Remus grimaced at James, and then went back to his post. He barely noticed that Sirius had been delivered a letter too, which was unusual, seeing as no one ever wrote him at school. The letter from Remus’ mum contained a funny story of how his dad had gotten into an argument with their muggle neighbours about the lawnmower, as well as the promise of sending some homemade truffles and pumpkin bread for him to enjoy in the hospital after the next full moon.

He put the letter back in the envelope and looked up to tell his friends about his dad, when he noticed Sirius’ face. His normally pale skin had gone almost purple, and a vein was pulsating in his throat. He had the look of someone on the verge of an anger burst, his eyes glossy and dark.

“Sirius…?” Remus whispered, afraid to ignite the fuse.

“Don’t worry about it.” Sirius’ voice shook, as he crumpled up the letter in his hands, and Remus caught the fancy handwriting of Sirius’ mother, feeling his heart skip a beat. If Walburga Black was writing to Sirius it meant she had something terrible to say, and in the wake of a war Remus feared the worst. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” He barked, standing up so abruptly his plate flew across the table and barely missed Remus’ lap, spilling scrambled eggs all over the floor. The rest of the Gryffindors at the table looked around in surprise.

James stood up too, “Are you…-“

But Sirius cut him off angrily, “I said don’t fucking worry about it!”

Remus winced. Sirius only cursed like a muggle when he was really, really, upset.

James looked affronted, but also a little scared, as he watched Sirius stomp away from them, still clutching the letter in his hands.

The rest of them stayed behind, silent and rather in shock, until Lily asked, “What in the name of Merlin was that all about?”

“His mother.” Both Remus and James said at the same time.

After Sirius’ dramatic exit, they spent about ten minutes arguing about what they were going to do, and who was going to have to do it. Sirius’ quick temper rendered him quite difficult to comfort, but also rather dangerous. Once, he’d punched James in the mouth for insinuating that Quidditch was more important than planning their matching Halloween costumes. If this was about Sirius’ parents, it equalled one of two things: a murderous boy whom might just punch you for looking at him wrong, or a sad empty boy whom parents didn’t love him, and none of them wanted to see either.

“We could draw straw?” Peter suggested, making James slap him in the back of the head with the prophet.

“Imagine how degrading that would make him feel if he ever found out!” He said, but his face was contorted into something reminiscing of thoughtfulness, as if he was considering it.

“Remus should go.” Said Lily, whom none of them were aware was still a part of the conversation. They all whipped around to look at her with wide eyes.

“Excuse me? Do you want me thrown from Gryffindor tower, King Kong style?”

Lily chuckled, as James whispered “Who in the name of Merlin is _Kong_?”

“Of course not.” She mumbled, eyes stern, “But that won’t happen if _you’re_ the one that goes up there. He treats you like you’re his favourite toy.”

Remus spluttered, his cheeks heating up rapidly.

“Excuse me? I’m Sirius’ favourite toy.” James squealed, with indignation.

“No, Potter, you’re the toy he has the most fun playing with. Remus is the toy kept on the tallest shelves who’s only taken down on special occasions.” She said, matter-of-factly, ignoring their baffled expressions.

“What about me?” Peter asked, sounding a bit upset.

“You just pulled that metaphor straight out of your arse.” Remus said, feeling embarrassed, his skin all hot and prickly. James was looking at him funny, so he tried to look humoured by the implications Lily was making.

Lily waved her hand dismissively at in their direction, “I just mean… Sirius won’t punch Remus because he’s afraid of breaking him. James and Peter are used to it, so he wouldn’t care about using them as a punching bag to let out his anger. Therefore, if you want to avoid pain and violence altogether, Remus must go.”

“That’s idiotic.” Remus said.

“Yes, but it’s rather the truth, isn’t it?” James said.

And with that, Remus was elected saviour of the day and hurried out of the dining hall and up the marble stairs.

 

*******

 

Remus would never admit it, but he enjoyed watching Sirius’ anger. His jaw would be sharp and hard with the grinding of his teeth, and his collarbones would jut and glide under skin stretched with heavy breaths. It was a whole show, and usually Remus would watch silently from a safe distance. Now, Sirius had ripped off his robes and sweater, hair dishevelled from running angry hands through it and his eyes were wild and dark. The second Remus stepped into their dormitory, he knew he was in for a screaming-match, and he was never very good at raising his voice.

“Oh, great!” Sirius yelled, throwing his hands in the air when he spotted Remus at the door. He had been throwing things around the room, books and ink-bottles and toiletries; Remus had heard it on his way up the stairs. “I don’t need a fucking hug, Remus!”

In his anger Sirius’ accent was thick and posh, and under other circumstances Remus would probably have poked fun at it, but right now it felt like a slap in the face.

Remus narrowed his eyes and went to sit on his own bed, pretending he hadn’t come up to offer exactly that, “Ok.” He said, his own voice surprisingly even, “What do you need then?”

Sirius growled, and a potions book went flying and hit the brick wall next to Remus’ bed with a loud thud, “I.. I bloody well don’t… I don’t know!”

There was a stretched out silence then where Remus listened to Sirius’ heavy breaths and wondered if he should just hug him regardless.

“I fucking hate them so much, Remus. I hate them so much my chest hurts and I want to rip my heart right out!” His tone was so high pitched and broken Remus barely recognized it. He turned his head to look at him and saw that his eyes were red-rimmed and bleary, as if he was so close to tears he was physically fighting against it. “I hate that I don’t hate them.”

“They’re your family…” Remus said, voice so careful and barely a whisper.

Sirius’ eyes widened with something resembling hysteria, “Not anymore! Bloody disowned me, they did!”

Remus felt his breath hitch in his throat and he suddenly wanted to cry, because Sirius was wonderful and brave and fierce and smart, and his parents couldn’t see it, and the unfairness of it all was weighing Sirius down like the weight of the world.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, hating the tone of his own voice. Sirius growled again and went over to a cauldron in the corner, seemed to debate if he wanted to throw it at Remus’ head or not.

“It means that I can come live with them during summers until I turn of age, but that I am no longer the heir to the Black house or fortune, and that any children I might have won’t be considered true Blacks.” His voice was so shaky, Remus found it remarkable that Sirius still wasn’t crying, “Bloody Regulus, that Voldemort-arse-licking twat, will inherit everything and I will be shunned from everything that has to do with our extended family.” Then a loud thud and a crack sounded through the room, meaning Sirius had punched the cold stone of their dormitory walls.

Sirius cried out in pain and Remus sprang up before he could think, and was next to him, cradling his bruised knuckles against his chest in seconds. Sirius’ face was contorted in pain, and a small tear was making it’s way down his cheekbone, but out of pain or anger, Remus wasn’t sure. He cursed loudly, and Remus brought his wand out to try to repair the damaged to the bloody knuckles, but then thought better of it and settled with taking some of the pain away instead. He wasn’t sure he would be able to do the spell, but as soon as he muttered the incantation, Sirius’ breath stilled and he stopped swearing, and suddenly he was leaning his forehead against Remus’ own and his breath fanned across Remus’ face in warm waves.

“I’m sorry.” Remus said, not entirely sure what he was apologizing for.

“Yeah.” Sirius mumbled, eyes squeezed closed, Remus still holding onto his hand tightly, “Me too.”

“It’s not fair.” Remus stated, feeling stupid and useless and sweaty. His eyes were closed, because he didn’t trust himself to look at Sirius when they were this close, nose to nose. He could feel Sirius’ teeth clattering together, his body shaking with repressed anger, and he wondered if Sirius was drowning out all the sadness he might be feeling with it. “It’s ok to cry.” He said, cringing at himself, his voice sounding fond and sad.

Sirius chuckled coldly, removing his forehead from Remus’ to look at him, “I really should punch you in the face, Moony.”

Remus frowned, bracing himself, Lily’s words swimming in his head. He felt a bit ashamed by the fact that he desperately wanted her to be right. “Well then, get on with it.” He said, trying to sound brave and comforting, and like James. Damn it all, James should have been the one doing this.

“Oh, you twat. I’m not gonna bloody punch you!” Sirius groaned, and then he wrapped his arms around Remus stiff body and hugged him, which might have been worse. Remus desperately wished Sirius’ would change his mind because Remus never was a good hugger, and the feeling of Sirius’ chest against his made him feel like he was about to explode from repressed feelings.

“James would have let you punch him.” He said then, still feeling stiff and awkward and too hot.

Sirius laughed, not letting go, his face fitting itself into the nook of Remus’ neck, and when he spoke his lips brushed against Remus’ prickly skin, and Remus wanted to cry, “Yeah well, this is ok too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this shit's gay as hell.
> 
> hullo im hoping u guys r enjoying this story and it would be so greatly apreachiated if you'd leave kudos and some feedback in the comments!!


	4. october 1975 - halloween part. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He realized he was gesturing wildly, but he needed to get his point across, “Sirius, I am not dressing up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz!” He said, with what he hoped was a tone of finality.

“No.” Remus deadpanned, staring at Sirius’ hopeful face, “No way. Not happening.”

James was chuckling next to him, seemingly not too perturbed by the suggestion. Remus looked at him and frowned, wanting to reach over to fix his lopsided classes and smooth down the hair at the base of his neck.

“Why not? It’s brilliant!” Sirius argued, not even bothering to act saddened by Remus’s refusal. The cocky bastard probably expected to get his way no matter what Remus thought.

They were on their way down to breakfast, late October. Remus was cranky and cold, and the chill of the castle was creeping its way through his woollen robes. They had all somehow overslept that morning, and had spent a frantic few minutes trying to get dressed to try to make it to breakfast in time. In the rush Remus suspected he’d put on Sirius’ shoes instead of his own, and the tie James was wearing looked suspiciously like the one he had gotten from his aunt for his last birthday. They passed a large banner announcing the annual Halloween party coming up after that weekend’s Hogsmeade trip.

“You know, I’ve put up with your silly thing for group Halloween costumes every damn year, but I’m putting my foot down!” Remus groaned, “The year we dressed up as the Slytherins? I swallowed my pride and put on that ridiculous blonde wig. The year we all dressed up as the Giant Squid together? I dressed as a tentacle! But this?” He realized he was gesturing wildly, but he _needed_ to get his point across, “Sirius, I am not dressing up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz!” He said, with what he hoped was a tone of finality.

Sirius, however, just grinned sheepishly at him, eyes glistening with humour. It was just then Remus noticed that Sirius was wearing one of his sweaters; dark grey with a mock neck, and thumbholes that Remus had nervously picked out himself. The sleeves were a bit too long on Sirius, so they peaked out from the sleeves of his robes, and something about it made Remus’s cheeks burn.

James made a noise in the back of his throat, “Well, if Remus is Dorothy, who am I?”

Sirius looked outright gleeful, as if this was some sort of confirmation, and Remus wanted to strangle him. “I’m glad you asked, Potter. Obviously I’m the Tin Man.” He said with uttermost determination, and Remus felt his own eyebrows raise in question. “You know… horrible childhood, commitment issues, doesn’t believe in love, blah blah blah, catch up!”

James nodded his head for him to continue.

“James, you’re the scarecrow, and Peter is the cowardly lion.”

Both James and Peter replied with a splutter of indignation.

“How am I the scarecrow?” James squeled.

“I’m not a coward!” Peter argued.

Remus felt like this was going to be the longest day of his life. They had finally entered the Great Hall, and Remus temporarily blocked out the arguments of his friends to look for a place to sit. Most of the students in the hall looked as if they were well finished with eating, and was reading the prophet or finishing up homework. Remus internally grumbled at himself for being so late, and then cursed Sirius for hiding all of Remus’ socks, making him waste about five minutes trying to find some to wear.

“It’s the principle! James can be a bit daft and Peter you can be a bit of a wuss, and it’s only a costume!” Sirius’ voice pierced through Remus’ thoughts.

“It’s easy for you to say. You won’t be the one in a twirly dress and ruby shoes.” Remus muttered as he sat down next to Frank, sending him a look that he hoped said _please do not ask about this_.

“I think you have the legs for it.” Frank chuckled, and Remus groaned loudly, wondering momentarily how much trouble he would be in if he just hexed them all.

“Thank you Frank! You can be the Wicked Witch of the West!” Sirius said, looking victorious.

Frank chuckled, “I’m already commited to a couples-costume with Alice, but thank you.”

“Huh, your loss.” Sirius shrugged, unfazed, and started serving himself porridge. Remus frowned at him. Now that Sirius was sitting directly across from him, Remus could see the dark circles around his eyes and the paleness to his skin. His hair was growing long again after his yearly summer-cut, framing his sharp features in a way that made Remus’ toes curl whenever he focused on it for too long. Remus also couldn’t pry his eyes away from the bit of his sweater that came up a bit higher on Sirius’ neck than the robes. _Merlin_.

“-Remus.”

Remus shook out of it, glancing to his right to see who had spoken to him, “Sorry what?”

Alice was leaned over Frank, grinning at him, “I just said I might have some shoes you can borrow.” When Remus kept looking utterly lost, she laughed and continued, “For the costume.”

Remus grunted, looking down at his plate, where he had only served himself a cluster of grapes. He wanted more than anything to just go back up to the tower and crawl under his sheets. Sirius was pushing it, and Remus’ willpower was thinning by the minute.

“Brilliant.” Sirius chuckled, “See, Remus? The universe wants this to happen.”

Remus groaned, “And why am I Dorothy again? I feel like I would do a better job as the flying monkey, or maybe a yellow brick.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Its mostly to complete the foursome. We can’t do Oz without Dorothy. But also because I do think you’re the only one, besides me, who’ll look smashing in a dress.” He flashed Remus his cheekiest grin, and Remus internally cursed, feeling a blush creep up his neck.

“Then why don’t you go as Dorothy and I’ll be the tin man. Isn’t it tradition for you to have the main costume?”

Sirius stabbed a grape from Remus’ plate with his fork, waving it in front of him as he spoke, “You couldn’t be the tin man, Moony. You’re too much of a softie.”

Remus felt his brows furrow, but decided not to deny it. He popped a grape in his mouth, glaring at Sirius’ smug face, knowing well that there really was no way of getting out of this. Once Sirius set his mind to something, it was impossible to get him to let it go, especially if the thing was Halloween related. Remus suspected Sirius never really was allowed to celebrate Halloween during his years before Hogwarts, and the idea made him sad. He pictured seven-year-old Sirius sitting by his bedroom window, watching children and adults alike dressed up and laughing, going door to door.

“Next year I want to plan the costumes.” He mumbled at last, refusing to look at the triumphant look on Sirius’ face, or James’ knowing smile.


End file.
